I call every cop show on TV CSI

My mother is a big fan of cop shows. My only exposure to them is when I visit her during prime time. Because I either stream or torrent all of the TV I watch, I have completely lost touch with broadcast television and commercials. Watching TV with my mom is fairly surreal for me.

I don’t have anything against cop shows. Some of my favorite shows, like The Wire, True Detective, and Luther are cop shows. It’s just that there have been so many variations of the police procedural program on TV for so many years that it seems like a running joke. So I call every cop show on TV CSI: with the one feature that I notice.

Here are a few examples:

CSI: Goth Girl – All I know about this show is that the writers don’t understand how IP addresses work. Also, it’s been on the air for like 15 years. Surely Goth Girl has grown up to be a Goth Woman by now? Maybe she settled down, married a Goth Guy? Had a couple of Goth Kids? Sure, I make fun of Goth Girl, but I also deeply respect her commitment to the Goth Lifestyle. I was all about Punk Rock until I went into the military and they shaved my head. Then I never looked back.

CSI: Hacker Girl – This is another show that doesn’t get how comically easy it is to change an IP. It’s totally possible to match up IP info with other details, but it will take a long time and probably require cooperation with foreign governments that may or may not extradite to the US. Or, you know, the cooperation of a huge and totally illegal NSA surveillance program.

Anyway, the technical dialogue in this show is laughable, but the idea that some nerd holed up in a dark place surrounded by computers is a major contributor to the success of a mission is pretty cool. Also the gear she uses looks pretty cool. One point of order tho, why are there so many screens outside of her field of vision? I am total diva when it comes to monitors, so I understand the need for many, it’s just that turning your head to see a screen really interferes with your productivity.

CSI: Cop Killer – I love that my mom watches this show because she was suuuuuper worried about the music I listened to in the 90’s, like Bodycount. Our media landscape is funny in that 90’s white people were scared of Ice-T, and then he became a weeknight TV staple. On a cop show.

I love Ice-T memes so much that I have created my own narrative for his CSI character. Ice-T blames the LAPD for the riots in 1992 and has infiltrated the LAPD under a false ID. Now he is slowly destroying the LAPD by tricking the detectives into investigating nonsense crimes and thereby wasting their resources.

CSI: Pun Glasses I have no idea if my mom watches this show or not, but there’s a meme for it and I have an awful pun about puns, so by law I have to put it on the list.

For all of the crap that I give television, especially cop shows, there are a few cop shows that I’m a big fan of. Only about half of them are American, which even I think is a bit pretentious.

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